"THE PRICE OF HOLDING ON" (BL STORY)

Hindi alam ni Neo Valderrama na isang tawag lang ang sisira sa katahimikang ilang taon niyang inipon. Sa dami ng taong tinakbuhan niya, sa dami ng lugar na pinuntahan niyang walang ibang gusto kundi makalimot, iisa lang pala ang hindi niya kayang takasan:

Ang taong iniwasan niyang banggitin.

Ang pangalang pinakamasakit at pinakaminahal niya.

Kasimir Alontae.

At sa gabing tahimik at walang baha, sa oras na dapat nagpapahinga na siya, biglang tumunog ang telepono.

"Hello, si Neo Valderrama po ba ito?"

"Yes. Sino ’to?"

"This is from Westbridge Medical. May patient na nag-request ng specific caregiver… ikaw daw."

Neo frowned. "Hindi na ako nagtatrabaho sa hospital. And hindi ako tumatanggap ng private cases ngayon."

"Sir…" tumigil sandali ang nurse sa kabilang linya.

"Si Mr. Alontae po. Senior. Critical. And… the son specifically asked for you."

And that was it.

Para siyang binuhusan ng yelo mula ulo hanggang paa.

"The son?" Neo asked, voice dropping.

"Sinong anak?"

"Teka lang po ha… checking the chart." Ilang segundo pa.

"Ah, yes. A certain… Casimir Alontae."

Neo’s grip tightened on his phone.

Hindi siya huminga.

Hindi gumalaw.

Hindi kumurap.

Kasimir.

The man who shattered him.

The man who kissed him one night and left him the next.

The man Neo loved silently, fully, blindly… only to be abandoned by someone who promised nothing but made him hope everything.

Neo ended the call with a quiet, controlled voice.

"I’ll go."

Pero ang totoo?

Hindi siya sigurado kung pupunta siya dahil kailangan siya ng pasyente.

O dahil natatakot siyang makitang muli ang lalaking matagal na niyang gustong pasigawan, yakapin, suntukin, halikan, at tuluyang kalimutan… pero hindi nagawa.

Kinabukasan, nasa harap siya ng malaking bahay ng mga Alontae.

Tahimik.

Malungkot.

Parang may unos na hindi matahimik sa loob.

Pagbukas ng pinto, isang pamilyar na mukha ang sumalubong.

Casimir.

Mas guwapo pa rin.

Mas matikas.

Pero may bigat sa mata.

May linya sa noo.

May lungkot sa ngiti.

May pagod sa bawat galaw.

At higit sa lahat—

May kirot sa paraan ng pagtitig niya kay Neo.

Parang taong naghintay ng matagal.

Parang taong natatakot sa reaksyon ng taong minsan niyang sinaktan.

"Neo…" Casimir whispered.

"Casimir."

Neutral.

Waláng emosyon.

Pero ang dibdib ni Neo? Kinukuyog.

"You came."

May halo ng relief at guilt ang boses ni Casimir.

"Huwag kang umasa," Neo replied coldly.

"Nandito ako para sa tatay mo. Hindi para sa ’yo."

Casimir flinched.

Pero ngumiti pa rin nang mahina.

"Still… salamat sa pagpunta."

Hindi sumagot si Neo.

Pumasok lang siya, dinaanan si Casimir na parang wala.

Pero hindi natakasan ni Neo ang amoy nito—yung halimuyak na pinilit niyang limutin pero nananatili pa rin sa alaalang kinakalawang.

Naglakad sila papunta sa kwarto ng ama ni Casimir.

Tahimik.

Mabigat.

Kada yapak ay may kasama pang alaala.

No’ng nag-aaway sila.

No’ng nagyakapan sila.

No’ng naghiwalay sila.

Finally, Casimir spoke.

"Neo…"

"Wag."

Isang salita lang, pero puno ng banta.

"Wala akong oras para sa mga drama mo."

Casimir swallowed hard.

"Three years tayong di nag-usap. Di ka man lang curious—"

Neo stopped walking.

Slowly, he turned his head.

May lamig sa tingin.

May apoy sa ilalim no’n.

"Curious kung bakit mo akong iniwan nang walang paliwanag?"

Tahimik pero nagbabanta.

"Curious kung bakit matapos mo akong yakapin at sabihing hindi mo ko iiwan, bigla kang naglaho na parang wala akong halaga?"

Casimir stiffened.

"Neo… hindi gano’n—"

"’Wag mo ’kong sabihang hindi gano’n, Casimir," Neo snapped.

"Alam mo kung ano ako? I’m a nurse. Marunong akong tumulong sa taong nangangailangan. Pero hindi ako tanga."

Casimir took a breath, trying to steady his voice.

"Hindi kita iniwan dahil ayaw kita…"

Neo laughed once—sharp, sarcastic.

"Then bakit? Dahil mahal mo ’ko?"

Tumingin siya diretso sa mata ni Casimir.

"Dahil sobrang mahal mo ’ko kaya mo ’kong iniwan?"

Casimir’s lips trembled.

"Neo…"

"Sabihin mo nga, Casimir.

Ano ang presyong binayaran ko para sa pagkapit ko sa ’yo?"

Casimir didn’t answer.

And that silence?

Mas malakas pa sa sigaw.

Pagpasok nila sa kwarto, nakita ni Neo ang ama ni Casimir—mahina, naka-oxygen, maitim ang eyebags, pale ang balat.

Professional si Neo agad.

He checked vitals.

He adjusted the oxygen.

He gave medication.

All while Casimir stood behind him…

watching,

waiting,

breaking.

"Neo…" mahina niyang sabi.

"Salamat. Wala na akong ibang mapagkatiwalaan."

Neo didn’t look at him.

"Bakit ako?"

May pait sa tanong.

"Bakit ako pa rin ang tinawag mo?"

Casimir didn’t hesitate.

"Because I trust you more than anyone else."

Neo stopped moving.

Trust.

The word Neo once held so dearly.

The same word Casimir destroyed.

Neo slowly turned.

"Casimir… you lost that right."

Casimir’s face fell—raw, pained.

"Alam ko."

At doon naputol ang pasensya ni Neo.

"Kung alam mo, bakit mo ko pinabalik?

Bakit ngayon?

Bakit ngayon mo lang ako haharapin?"

Casimir’s jaw shook.

"Because I needed you."

Neo stiffened.

"There it is," he said bitterly.

"Exactly why I left your life.

Dahil kailangan mo lang ako kapag may nangyayari na sayo."

Casimir stepped closer.

"Neo, please… hindi gano’n—"

"Then why?!"

Neo exploded.

"Tatlong taon, Casimir! Tatlong taon akong naghihintay ng paliwanag! Ni text, ni sorry, ni bakit—wala! Tapos ngayon, magpapakita ka sa pinto ko at magsasabing kailangan mo ako?!"

Casimir’s voice rose too—shaking.

"Ano gusto mong sabihin ko? Na nagsisisi ako? Oo! Every day!

Na mali ako? Oo!

Na duwag ako? Oo, Neo!

Pero hindi ko alam paano babalik sa ’yo!"

"Then why try now?!"

"Because I thought I had time!"

Casimir shouted.

Silence.

A different kind of silence.

The breaking kind.

Casimir looked down, fists clenched, voice barely a whisper.

"Pero nung sinabi ng doktor na maaaring…

maaaring hindi magtagal si Papa…"

He swallowed hard.

"Bigla kong na-realize na hindi ko kaya ulit mawalan ng taong mahal ko."

Neo’s heart stopped.

Slowly, he whispered:

"Mahal? Sino?"

Casimir raised his head—eyes red, overflowing with years of buried truth.

"You, Neo."

Neo blinked—frozen.

Casimir stepped forward.

"I never stopped.

Kahit iniwan kita.

Kahit sinaktan kita.

Kahit tumakbo ako."

He choked.

"You’re still the one I love."

Neo felt his chest tighten, breath fading.

"Casimir…"

"I’m sorry," Casimir whispered, voice shattering.

"I’m sorry sa araw na iniwan kita.

I’m sorry sa lahat ng gabi na hindi kita hinabol.

I’m sorry sa bawat text na hindi ko pinadala.

I’m sorry sa bawat chance na sinayang ko.

But Neo…"

He reached out—hesitant, trembling.

"Let me stay now.

Please."

Neo stepped back.

At doon natapos ang hininga ni Casimir.

His face collapsed.

"You’re still scared of me," Casimir whispered.

"No," Neo replied, voice shaking.

"I’m scared of myself."

"Why?"

"Because loving you almost destroyed me."

Casimir teared up again.

"Then let me rebuild you."

Neo shook his head.

"You can’t fix what you broke."

"But I can try," Casimir whispered desperately.

"Kahit ngayon lang.

Kahit huli na."

And Neo finally said the line na kahit masakit, kailangan niyang bitawan:

"Casimir… ang hirap magmahal ng taong hindi marunong humawak."

Casimir closed his eyes, pain slicing through him.

"Then teach me.

Teach me now.

Teach me habang may pagkakataon pa tayo."

Neo felt something inside him collapse.

And Casimir whispered the final line that cracked the last piece:

"Neo…

ikaw ang pinakamahal kong pagkakamali.

At ikaw din ang tanging gusto kong itama."

Neo stared at him—shaking, breaking, remembering…

and for the first time in years,

bumigay ang pader na matagal na niyang binuo.

At sabay silang natutong huminga uli.

Cut to black.

Hindi alam ni Neo kung paano siya humihinga habang nakatayo sa harap ni Casimir.

Hindi niya alam kung paano uunahin ang galit, ang takot, ang sakit, o ’yung pagnanais na yakapin ulit ang lalaking sumira sa kanya.

Pero sa totoo lang…

sa kabila ng lahat—

Nandito pa rin siya.

At ’yon ang pinaka-ayaw niyang aminin.

Casimir, with trembling hands, lowered them slowly nang umatras si Neo.

Para siyang batang pinagsarhan ng pinto pero pilit na ngumiti para hindi masyadong halata ang sakit.

“Neo…”

mahina, halos pabulong,

“…pwede ba ’kong lumaban ulit? Hindi na para sa nakaraan, kundi para sa ngayon?”

Neo felt something in his chest break.

But he forced himself to breathe.

“Casimir… hindi gano’n kadali.”

His voice cracked.

“Huwag mong akalaing babalik ako sa’yo dahil sinabi mong mahal mo ’ko.”

Casimir closed his eyes.

“Alam ko. Kaya nga ako nagmamakaawa ngayon, hindi para mahalin mo ulit ako—kundi para bigyan mo ’ko ng pagkakataon mapatunayan na kaya ko nang hawakan ka nang hindi ako natatakot.”

Neo’s jaw clenched.

“Hindi ako trophy, Casimir. Hindi ako reward after mong magising sa guilt mo.”

Casimir shook his head desperately.

“No! Hindi ’to guilt. Neo… kahit nung iniwan kita, hindi ako tumigil magmahal. Hindi ako tumigil magtanong sa sarili ko kung bakit ako napakaduwag.”

“And you think hearing that makes me feel better?” Neo snapped.

“Kulang ang sorry sa taong tinuruan mong maghintay na walang kasiguraduhan.”

Casimir stepped forward—dahan-dahan, maingat, parang baka mabasag si Neo.

“Then I’ll wait again…”

He swallowed a sob.

“…kahit wala pa ring kasiguraduhan.”

Neo’s breath trembled, his eyes softening against his will.

“Casimir… please, stop.”

“I can’t,” Casimir whispered.

“Hinding-hindi na kita pakakawalan… hindi na sa panalangin… hindi na sa pagpili… at hindi na sa oras.”

Neo looked down—frustrated, torn, hurting.

“Bakit ngayon lang?”

His voice broke.

“Bakit hindi nung kaya ko pa?”

Casimir’s voice shattered.

“Kasi ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang presyo ng pagkapit.”

He pressed a hand to his chest.

“Ngayon ko lang naintindihan kung gaano kabigat ang mabuhay nang wala ’yung taong dapat hindi ko binitiwan.”

Neo turned away, wiping a tear he didn’t want Casimir to see.

“Casimir… hindi ako superhero. Hindi ako sagot sa mga paghihirap mo.”

“No,” Casimir whispered behind him.

“Ikaw ang tanong na hindi ko kayang hanapan ng sagot.

Kahit ilang taon ang lumipas.”

Neo flinched.

“Neo…”

Casimir’s voice cracked,

“…let me love you again. Kahit masakit. Kahit mahirap. Kahit hanggang dito lang.

Kahit saan mo ako ilagay—piliin mo lang ako ulit kahit isang beses pa.”

Neo didn’t speak.

He didn’t turn.

Casimir’s voice lowered to a whisper that could break the strongest heart.

“Kung iiwan mo ko ngayon… tatanggapin ko.

Pero ’wag mo akong palayasin nang hindi mo alam ang totoo.”

Neo slowly turned.

“What truth?”

Casimir looked at him with eyes soaked in fear.

“May sinabi si Papa…”

he breathed shakily.

“…bago siya nawalan ng malay.”

Neo’s stomach dropped.

Casimir continued.

“He told me…

ipagtanggol kita.

’Wag kitang hayaang mawala sa’kin.”

Neo blinked. “What…?”

Casimir wiped his face.

“Sinabi niya…

‘Yung anak kong tanga, hindi niya alam paano magmahal ng tama.

Pero pag bumalik si Neo…

’wag mo na siyang pakawalan.’”

Neo’s throat tightened.

Casimir laughed bitterly.

“And I told him…

‘Pa, wala nang Neo na babalik.’”

Neo swallowed hard.

“And he said…”

Casimir’s voice trembled,

“…‘Kung hindi ka marunong humawak ng mahalaga, ikaw ang mawawalan.’”

Neo pressed a hand to his mouth, overwhelmed.

“Casimir… bakit mo sinasabi ’to?”

“Because,” Casimir whispered,

“hindi ako handang mawala ka ulit.

Hindi ngayon.

Hindi habang may pagkakataon pa.”

Neo looked away—hurt, longing, fear warring inside him.

“Casimir… paano kung tama ka?

Paano kung mahal pa rin kita?

Paano kung kahit anong gawin ko… hindi ka nawala sa’kin?”

Casimir gasped softly.

Neo continued—voice raw:

“Paano kung lahat ng taon na lumipas…

ikaw pa rin ang tanging pinipili ko sa utak ko kahit hindi ko aminin?”

Casimir took a shaky step closer.

“Then say it, Neo.”

Neo’s voice broke.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

Neo’s tears fell.

“Because if I say it…

babagsak ulit ako sa’yo.”

Casimir cupped Neo’s face—gentle, trembling, terrified.

“Then babagsak tayo nang sabay.”

Neo closed his eyes, sobbing once.

And Casimir whispered—

“I’m here now. Hindi na ako aalis.”

Neo finally whispered—

“Then hold me.”

Casimir froze.

Neo’s voice trembled.

“If you want to stay…

hawakan mo ko ngayon.”

Casimir lifted his shaking arms—

as if touching a miracle—

and pulled Neo into his chest.

Neo collapsed instantly—years of pain crashing out of him.

He clung to Casimir’s shirt, crying harder than he expected.

Casimir tightened the embrace, burying his face in Neo’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry…” Casimir sobbed.

“Neo, I’m so sorry…”

Neo grabbed the back of his shirt, shaking.

“Kung iiwan mo ’ko ulit…

hindi ko alam kung mabubuhay pa ’ko.”

Casimir’s voice hardened.

“I won’t. Never again. Kahit lumaban ang mundo, Neo, ikaw ang pipiliin ko.”

Neo trembled.

“Casimir…”

Casimir pulled back just enough to look into his eyes.

For the first time, walang takot.

Walang pag-aalinlangan.

Walang pagtatago.

“Neo…

mahal kita.”

Neo’s tears fell harder.

“Tangina… bakit ngayon lang?”

Casimir kissed his forehead—soft, long, shaking.

“Kasi ngayon ko lang kaya sabihin nang buong puso.”

Neo exhaled—a broken, trembling sigh.

“Then love me right.”

Casimir nodded against his skin.

“I will. Kahit anong presyo. Kahit ilang beses mo ’kong itulak. Kahit ilang taon ko hintayin bawiin mo lahat.”

Neo whispered against Casimir’s shoulder:

“Casimir…

hawakan mo ko nang mahigpit.”

Casimir closed his eyes, fully wrapping him in both arms.

“I won’t let go.

Not this time.”

Neo leaned in, forehead against Casimir’s neck.

“Good.

Dahil pag bumitaw ka…

ako ang mawawasak.”

Casimir held him tighter.

“Then let me hold you.

Let me keep you.

Let me fight for you.”

Neo finally whispered—

“Okay.”

Casimir froze.

Neo breathed shakily.

“I’ll let you love me again.”

Casimir’s knees almost buckled, tears flooding his eyes.

“Neo…”

Neo finally looked at him—raw, teary, vulnerable.

“But don’t make me pay the price again.”

Casimir nodded fiercely, voice steady:

“Hindi na.

Ikaw na ang laban ko.

Ikaw na ang tahanan ko.”

Neo inhaled, feeling something in him finally loosen.

“Then stay.”

Casimir whispered back—

“For the rest of my life.”

And under the soft glow of the room,

after years of fear, pride, and heartbreak,

they finally chose each other—

not because they were unbroken,

but because they were brave enough

to love despite the wounds.

THE END.